A Grand Tradition
by whirlyite
Summary: My first response to the fifth Short-Story Speedwriting Challenge. Why does Newkirk appear dressed as a female more than any of the other heroes? A peek at Carter and Newkirk's conversation as they prepare for their surveillance mission in the episode "Color the Luftwaffe Red."


**A GRAND TRADITION**

"Do you ever think before opening a door?"

Andrew Carter was temporarily thrown for a loop and had to scramble in thought for a brief moment as he puzzled at the tenor of the shaky, high-pitched voice he had just heard. It sounded for all the world like an elderly gnädige Frau instead of an RAF Corporal in his late twenties.

"Sorry ma'am...," he mumbled as he began to back out of the doorway to Colonel Hogan's quarters.

"Get in 'ere Andrew! I was just 'avin' a go at you!"

Relieved at the comfortably familiar sound of the annoyed, cranky voice he knew by heart, Carter reversed course and walked on into the room. He and Newkirk were being sent on a surveillance mission in town tonight; since he was already dressed in his disguise, he had come to check on Newkirk's progress.

"Boy you had me worried there for a moment Peter! You sound just like my Great-Aunt Ruth!"

Newkirk rolled his eyes in irritation as he replied, "Thanks mate...I think. Now 'elp me with this corset, will ya?"

Carter held the corset down near the floor so Newkirk could step into it. "Gee, who would've thought I'd be doing something like this? I mean, blowing up bridges and ammo dumps yeah, but helping my best friend put on a corset? Who would've thought in a million years!"

Newkirk grimaced as he pulled the corset on beneath his dress and the tight garment pinched him in all the wrong places. "Andrew, what _are_ you natterin' on and on about?"

"Sorry buddy, I guess I talk a little too much when I'm nervous."

"I'm nervous about this mission as well! It's not like this costume was my idea. You'll remember that it was the Colonel who thought this barmy costume up! Even gave me the name! Frau Newkirkberger!" Newkirk flopped down onto the lower bunk and began pulling his stockings on. "I 'aven't the foggiest notion of 'ow we're supposed to get inside Luftwaffe Intelligence Headquarters in these get-ups!"

Carter sat down beside him and wondered aloud, "I wonder why he always orders _you_ to dress up as an old woman? Why doesn't he ever ask me? Or Louis for that matter?"

Stockings finally on to his satisfaction, Newkirk thrust a hand mirror into Carter's grasp so he could put the final touches to his hair and hat. "Hold this looking glass still whilst I secure me wig. To answer your question Andrew, the Colonel probably saw some music hall production or even a Christmas pantomime years back when 'e was in London and automatically thought of me."

"Why would he do that?"

"Cor, I don't know, possibly because, uh, I'm British?" Newkirk replied sarcastically.

"I still don't understand." Carter gestured with a nod of his head at Newkirk's outfit. "Is this considered normal?"

Newkirk snorted derisively as he snatched the mirror from Carter's hands. "It's a grand tradition in the British music hall! I'll 'ave you know that there's nothing wrong with dressin' up as a woman!"

The Englishman quickly amended his statement upon seeing the expression of dumbfounded shock on his friend's face.

"I'm talkin' about the theater Andrew! In Shakespeare's plays, all of the female roles were played by men! Some of our most famous comedians dress as women when they perform!"

Carter cocked his head to the side as he considered what Newkirk said. "Huh. Back home, we had the girls play the female parts when I was in high school." His face took on a dreamy expression. "Mary Jane played Juliet in our production of 'Romeo and Juliet'. She looked so beautiful in her costume." His dreamy expression deteriorated into a frown as he said, "Unfortunately I wasn't Romeo."

Newkirk smirked as he shot back, "I can understand that mate."

"I wasn't even in the play! I was one of the stage hands."

"I can understand that too!"

A sudden realization struck Carter and he looked sideways at his English friend as Newkirk pulled on a pair of threadbare salmon-colored gloves. "You've done this before, haven't you Peter?"

"What on earth gave you that idea, Andrew?" sighed Newkirk.

"You're too good at it!"

"Oh thanks mate, you 'ave no idea what that means to me!"

"No really! You _have_ done this before haven't you?" persisted Carter.

Newkirk gave him a pained look, then nodded as he bent down to put on his shoes. "How very perceptive of you, Andrew. All right then, you've found me out. Yes, I 'ave donned women's clothes a time or two before."

"I knew it!"

"And to answer your next question, the Colonel 'ad his suspicions as well. 'e asked me if I'd ever done this before. That's why I'm the lucky one what gets to dress up as an old woman!"

"Would you mind telling me...?"

Newkirk raised a glove-clad hand to cut Carter off in mid-question. "Yes I mind, but as you'll probably 'ound me without mercy I'll go ahead and tell you. Not that I'm proud of it, mind you." He got up from the bunk and paced for a few minutes, before finally stopping to lean against the Colonel's desk.

Carter waited patiently as Newkirk decided how he would tell his naive friend the truth.

"Andrew, you know 'ow I acquired me particular 'talents', don't you?"

Carter shook his head as he replied, "No, not any of the details. Not that it's any of my business Peter. I guess I just assumed that you haven't been on the right side of the law all of your life, though I kinda like to think you've changed for the better since you've been working with the Colonel."

Newkirk sighed as that was the exact response he had expected from Carter. "I'm ashamed to admit it Andrew but you're right. I 'ad to do some things I'm not proud of to support me sister Mavis after Mum died. Not that I'm apologizin' mind you, because I'd do it all over again to keep me little sister in food and clothing."

"What kind of things Peter?"

"It started out small. Since I was spendin' so much time on the streets, I fell in with some of the local toughs. Well, more like I was 'persuaded' against me will. I was young and they needed someone to act as a lookout whilst they pulled their jobs, if you get my meaning."

Carter shook his head, "No, I'm afraid I don't."

_Blimey, what it must be like to be so innocent!_ thought Newkirk. "C'mon Andrew! Burglaries, hold ups, shakedowns, and such."

Carter's eyes grew wide at his friend's words. "Gosh Peter! I've only seen stuff like that in the movies."

"It was real life for me, mate. Anyways, since I was still a kid, they dressed me up as a girl so as not to attract undue attention. I'd 'ang about on the street corner near the job and keep on the watch for the bobbies."

"Bobbies?"

"Coppers, Andrew. Y'know, the police? Me job was to distract 'em, if you know what I mean."

Carter had no idea what Newkirk meant but he decided not to say anything. "Oh. Did you ever get arrested?"

Newkirk shook his head. "Not back then. That 'appened later, after I'd moved on to bigger and better things."

"What kind of 'bigger and better things' Peter?" asked Carter.

"I'd rather not say Andrew. Let's just say that I did some things I truly regret now. 'ow do you think I ended up in the RAF? Wasn't a completely patriotic impulse on my part. Gave me the choice they did, join up or go to prison. Didn't 'ave to think twice about that, since I couldn't support me sister from a prison cell. In the RAF I could at least send me pay 'ome to Mave."

"Does Mavis know what you had to do to support her?"

"She does now. I told 'er everythin' when I joined up. I sure wouldn't want to go through that again. She understood but I could tell she was disappointed in me. I promised 'er I'd turn over a new leaf in the military. And I kept me word as best as I could. I got promoted to Corporal right before I was shot down over Bremen. Although, since I've been 'ere, I've slid back into some of me dodgy habits as a matter of survival."

"Maybe so, but think about this. Now you're using your 'dodgy habits' to help the Allies win the war!"

Newkirk looked a bit pensive, made strangely more effective due to his being costumed as an old woman. "I 'ave to say that workin' with the Gov'nor and you lot 'as given me a bit of a new outlook. A bit of 'ope, you know? That maybe I can make somethin' outta meself after the war. Then I won't 'ave to be ashamed of what my Mave'll think of me."

Carter got up from the bunk and threw an arm about Newkirk's shoulders. "You can be anything you want to be Peter!"

Newkirk shrugged Carter's arm off so he could drape a worn red shawl about his shoulders. "That remains to be seen Andrew. We've got to get through this 'ere war first. And we'd better leg it right now, the Colonel's waitin' for us!"

"Okay, okay! Geez, I was ready a long time ago!"

"Let's get our cover story straight before we leave." Newkirk opened the door and stepped out into the common room, pulling Carter behind him. "I'll be the dutiful German mum and you'll be my idiot son, right?"

"Right...wait, what?!"

Newkirk snickered and called out loudly in his Frau Newkirkberger voice, "Come along sonny, we don't want to keep the Luftwaffe waiting! That wouldn't be very gemütlich, now would it?"


End file.
